Refresh (F5)

Nine days ago I auditioned for “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” at a theater in Scottsdale.  It was all part of my master plan for the year – to diversify, branch out, and get to know as many theatre people in town as I can (without heading all the way to Gilbert).  I had some doubts – I haven’t done two shows back to back before and I don’t know what kind of strain that would put on my family.   But I know this theater does great work, and “How to Succeed” is a show I’d love to do.

Eight days ago I went to the callback (yay!).  I got there at 6 p.m. and left at midnight.  In between, I learned and sang two songs, read and read and read again for three different roles, learned a dance with a TOE-TOUCH and a SOMERSAULT and a KNEE SLIDE, performed the dance, performed the dance again, read some more, watched people get cut (but not necessarily out of the running), read some more, belted out a song at 11:30 p.m., stood on stage and tried to look pretty and awake, watched more people get cut (but not necessarily out of the running), and looked around in amazement when there were only three girls remaining.  …What that meant, I’m not sure.

Three days ago I went back again for another callback.  The director mentioned I’d be reading for the sexy secretary role (who, me?), so I attempted to turn it up to 11.  I poofed my hair, slipped on my slinkiest dress, plucked my eyebrows into reluctant obedience, painted my nails slutty pink, and even wrangled some ridiculous lashes onto my eyes.  I got there and read again for all three roles.  I went home after about an hour.

Supposedly, supposedly, the casting results would be posted on Facebook and the theatre’s website by today, February 15th.

ARE THEY POSTED?

No, they are not.

And so I quietly go insane…

Keep Strong and Carry On (or something)

Well, it still stings. 

But great advice and empathy really do help, so thank you very much for your wise counsel.

Now, I pick up the pieces and move on.  I need a better monologue (and I need to take a monologue class, but must feed and clothe children before working on character motivation).  I need to schedule voice lessons, even if it’s only every six weeks, and start working on those “bad habits” my most recent music director mentioned.  And also somehow turn my voice into Sutton Foster’s.  Or Lea Michele’s.  Either would be fine.

I need to continue getting into shape, but unfortunately that means attending Phoenix Theatre’s Summer of Dance classes.  I love those dance classes so much and look forward to them every year (last year I danced four weeks after Juice was born), but I’m afraid I’ll feel a bit loserish attending this year, post-rejection.  But I’ll go anyway.  I just can’t resist a good dance class.

And I’ll look ahead to other possible opportunities.  Although it’s almost an hour-long drive, Fountain Hills Community Theatre is doing “A Chorus Line” this winter.  I would give my right foot to be in “A Chorus Line,” although that would make it very difficult to dance.  Desert Stages Theatre is doing “How to Succeed,” and I love that show, too.

But at the moment, there’s nothing on the horizon, and I feel blue.  Sick kids don’t help.  Rising temperatures don’t help, either.

“Bridesmaids” helped.

Moo singing along to “Seussical” songs helps.

Juice grinning like a maniac and hugging my knees helps a lot, too.

So do those flowers from Herbie….

Okay.  I’ll quit whining now.

#8 – General Auditions, Phoenix Theatre

Let’s talk about failure.

I wish I was the kind of person who, when rejected, says, “I’ll show them!” and feels inspired to work harder, try harder, never give up!

I am not that kind of person.  I am the kind of person, who, when rejected, tends to doubt my right to exist.

I didn’t get a callback from Phoenix Theatre, and no I am NOT going to check my email again because I KNOW it is going to be empty and that wound will open up in my gut again if I look.  Plus they wouldn’t send out callback emails at 9 p.m.  Would they?

No they would not.

I don’t know when being in a Phoenix Theatre show became my ultimate dream.  But judging from my level of emotional crushed-ness, it has indeed become my ultimate dream.  A dream squashed.

I admit, after realizing I didn’t get called back, my first reaction was, “That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m not good enough, and I’m not doing this anymore.”

Now, I’m not so sure I’m giving up (that’s so Mama Rose circa 1998), but I am still wondering if maybe I’m just not good enough.  Honestly, I didn’t think the audition was that bad.  I felt a little rushed, and it wasn’t spectacular – we didn’t have any kind of “moment” that I thought ensured they’d remember me…but they did comment on my dance experience, so I thought at least I’d make it to the general dance call back.

But no.  So I mean…I must have REALLY sucked, right?

I must have…

I just wish they’d given me the chance to dance.  I realize my voice isn’t going to sell out Carnegie Hall, and I am always learning as an actor.  But I think my strengths lie in the total package – a dancer/singer/actor.  I’m able to shine (or maybe not?) when I’m doing all three.

I just wish I could have danced.

I’m getting older.  And I know I can’t get too old for theatre…there will always be wonderful parts no matter my age.  But I can get too old to dance.  And that’s what I feel slipping away.

Why did I waste all those years being so afraid?  …Oh yeah, because of this exact feeling.

Help me feel better by telling me how you have coped with failure in your life.

Trying Not to Panic…

My Phoenix Theatre audition is in just a few hours and I am definitely entering the nausea/fainting stage.

Luckily, I have the coolest daughter in the world.  After Moo watched me sing my songs a few times, I had an idea.  I had her sit up on the couch, I grabbed my headshot and resume, and walked into the room.

“Hello, Mrs. Director Lady!” I said.

She looked confused a second, and then her eyes flashed.  “Oh hello, yes, you’re the next girl to audition,” she said, carefully studying my headshot as I handed it to her.  “Yes, this is you,” she decided.

And so I went through my whole audition, four times, under the critical but loving eyes of my dear Moo.

I still want to crawl into a hole/faint/throw up….but not quite as much.

Friday the 13th

I realized a few days ago that I wisely scheduled my Phoenix Theatre audition for the evening of Friday the 13th.

Whoops.

I’m in the final stretch of preparations – I have my headshot printed (I think I’m going with black-and-white because my hair is darker now), I have a cute outfit to wear courtesy of Rosalind, and today I had a voice lesson, so I feel fairly prepared with my songs.

The monologue is another matter.   I don’t love it, and I have not yet wrestled it to the ground.  I fear I shall have to subject my children to monologue rehearsals, during which Juice will undoubtedly cling to my legs, whining, and Moo will sit and watch me with that look on her face which clearly says, “Um, Mommy?  I’m just not feeling it, Dawg.”

The best part?  After my audition, I’m getting drunk with Rosalind at the Arizona Biltmore, where we are staying FOR FREE all weekend.  Mojito, here I come!

But before the reward, I have to face the fear of walking into that audition room…again.  Is it going to start getting easier at some point?

Just Kidding

Here is my real headshot, courtesy of EME Photography.  And here’s the real question – color or black-and-white?

My New Headshot

…Too much?

Generals

When Phoenix Theatre informed me, via website, that its general auditions would take place at the end of May, I thought that the auditions would occur, you know – at the end of May.  Not three weeks from Friday!  Eeeeeee THUD.

Ever-so-fortuitously, that is also the weekend of my staycation with Rosalind at the Arizona Biltmore,  a grand ol’ resort that I never in my life thought I could afford (Rosalind won a contest…I love Rosalind).  So I am going to get the audition over with early Friday evening, and then get stinking drunk and loll around on my expensive bed all weekend with a bottle of rum.

Audition preparation is deeply, obsessively underway.  I have reached out to my secret connection for some new song material, I am booking an appointment with a voice teacher for some pre-audition coaching, and I am staying up till 2 nightly, reading play after play in hopes of finding a decent monologue.  I constantly sing potential audition songs in the car to Moo and Juice – I love them so, they do not judge me when I don’t quite hit that high note.  And Moo loves to sing along…the only problem arises when I play “Oklahoma” from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – I have to sing along VERY LOUDLY during the part where she wants to “blow those little FUZZERS HATS right off.”  Ahem.  Sure, that’s what she’s saying.  No, let’s not listen to it again.

I worry that I am placing too much importance on this audition – setting myself up for a deep depression in the future if I don’t at least get a single call back.  The fact is I still don’t have very much experience, but I KNOW I could prove myself if they gave me a chance, and OH MAN I want to work with them so badly.  Almost as badly as Moo wants a Barbie.

Not until you’re 6, Moo.

…I hope I don’t have to wait two more years before I get my shot with Phoenix Theatre.

Spring Show

This morning, I had to email my measurements to the costume designer for the upcoming show…

Hey, wait a minute – did I mention I’ve got a show coming up this spring?

And that I DIDN’T HAVE TO AUDITION?

Tra la, tra la…

The director of the show I did two years ago (You remember her, the woman who choreographed Mary Freaking Poppins!), and a woman I cherish, has decided to direct her “last show.”  She’s putting together an original revue with some of her favorite people, and that includes me!  I’m really honored to be a part of it, and I’m looking forward to working with some very talented people.  I don’t know what I’ll be doing in the show yet, but most likely I’ll revisit some songs she really liked from “The World Goes Round.”  The show opens at the end of March, and rehearsals don’t start until the end of February!  The short rehearsal period will be wonderful in terms of family management, but I’m a bit nervous about trying to get show-ready so quickly.

…Which brings me back to those costume measurements.  I’d really hoped to have more time before having to write down those unfortunate numbers.  But now they’re out there in the universe, betraying me, and it’s really time I got to work.  No more desserts.  No seriously, I’m done.  This one little mini Snickers was the LAST THING.  Wine is my new dessert – that doesn’t have calories, does it?  And then bellydancing (Wednesday night!), Just Dance 2 on Wii, crunches, and stretching.  If I’m serious about theatre, then I need to take how I look more seriously, too.

I plan to whittle a couple digits off those numbers by the time March comes around.  Sorry, “new shape” – I just don’t plan to keep you around.

Tidbits

Hey, where did I go?  And why the bloody hell aren’t I asleep RIGHT NOW??

Ah, blog guilt.

Here’s a bit of what we’ve been up to:

Juice: 

Blurbling, gurgling, happy-happy-happy, then AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GAS!  Then sleep.  Then smiley, smiley…grunt-grunt…POOP.  Then BIG smiles.  Then AHHHHHHHHH I’M HUNGRY!  DAMMIT WOMAN WHERE IS MY FOOD!!

His hands are starting to open.  He’s trying to grab things, and trying to caress my face (MELT).  He detests tummy time.  And he has quite a flat head, so the doctor referred us to the dreaded helmet people.  Sigh.  We are supposed to have an evaluation with them as soon as possible to see if he really does need to wear a corrective helmet to round out his little head.  I asked the office lady if anybody ever went for an evaluation and didn’t end up getting the helmet.  She said no.  Dammit.

Moo:

Current favorite saying:  “Hey, Juice!  It’s your SISTAH!  Your silly SISTAH!”

First new word learned at preschool:  “butt” (from the teacher!).

Moo is basically a pure delight right now.  She’s got the potty thing pretty much down – only three accidents in all of August.  I can’t believe we survived.  I can’t believe there are parents out there who have to potty-train three or four or more children.  The horror, the horror.

But now, Moo just seems to constantly bounce around the house.  She delights in her role as her brother’s favorite person in the whole world, and she loves preschool and adores her teachers.  It is so strange for me to not know exactly what she was up to for a whole 2.5 hours, but I try to remember that the whole point of parenting is to teach them how to thrive without you.  Ugh.

Herbie and Me:

Herbie has fallen asleep on the couch every night this week – once with a beer in his hand, which he didn’t even spill!  Impressive.

I have inexplicably stayed up last almost every night this week, all the while figuratively banging myself on the head, saying “stupid, stupid, stupid!”  I just so relish the alone time.

We’re still getting up twice a night, except for two glorious nights in a row where Juice slept from 10 until 5.  So at least we can see a teeny, tiny gleam of light at the end of the Tunnel of Sleep Deprivation.

Rehearsals for “Bye Bye Birdie” will start in a couple weeks.  I’m hoping to receive the rehearsal schedule soon so I can start coordinating with the Team (Mom, Dad, Mother-in-Law, Father-in-Law – oh how I adore you all!).  Also, I found out that my blond rival did not get the part of Rosie.  It went to someone who looks quite a bit more Alvarezish than I do, so I cannot grumble and secretly put a hex on her.  She looks the part, whaddaya gonna do?  The part I am trying NOT to think about is that my rival did get offered a role, but turned it down.  So did she turn down the part that was then, and only then, offered to me?  Le sigh.  As Herbie reminds me, there is absolutely nothing helpful in that line of thinking.

It’s just that stopping yourself from thinking is so very, very hard.  Hey I know!  I’ll go to….zzzzzzzzzzzz.

….WAAAAAAAH!

Dammit.