Pyscho Mommy

July 1, 2010

Day Three shall be known as the Day of Crying.

Last Monday I literally spent the entire day crying.  By dinner time, my eyes looked like golf balls.  And although I knew that my tears were at least partly due to crazy-time hormones, that knowledge did not help abate my waterworks.

I cried over three things, mainly:

1)  Breastfeeding.  More on that later.

2)  Moo.  Not because she hasn’t been angelic this week – she has been adjusting very well, so far.  Things might change when he’s less of a blob and more of a toy-grabbing drooler.  But I cried because everything was changing.  Our happy little Mommy-and-Moo world was over, the one where we devoted all our time and attention to each other – the one that she’ll never even remember.  I’m not sure I can explain why this broke my heart so much.  I’m thrilled that we’re now a family of four.  But the finality of the end of our family-of-three era just crushed me.

Later I remembered that it’s not about me.  When Herbie and I were talking about having another child, I thought a lot about how grateful I am to have a sibling.  Life without my sister?  A lot less giggling, no late-night talks, no completely random jokes that only make sense to us…  But once I got pregnant, I just thought about me and my relationship to this little one, forgetting that we’re giving Moo a marvelous gift.  I get to watch them fall in love with each other, and looking forward to that helps me feel a little better.

3) I love this little boy so much.  And I already love Moo so much, and all that love, combined with dangerous levels of ebbing and flowing hormones, capsized my heart.  And on top of all that overwhelming love comes all the fears – every peaceful moment seems to offer an opportunity for my imagination to go crazy.  Ahhh, everybody’s asleep.  Wait, did we lock the door?  What if a crazed gunman busts into our house right now?  What would I do?  Grab the baby and run into Moo’s room, barricade the door with something, hide in the closet?  What would I use as a barricade?  And so on…until of course I check to make sure the door is locked.

A week later, I have a lot less tears.  But I still feel just as fragile.  I want everything to get back to normal, and then I remember that “normal” is over.  We’re a family of four now, and we’ll find our new normal as the weeks go by.  Good God, we really are a family of four!  Wow.  Oh damn, more tears…


6 Responses to “Pyscho Mommy”

  1. Emily B. Says:

    Oh no, you’re having breastfeeding issues. I wish I was there to help you…remember I’m a Lactation Specialist. Hope what ever the problem is/was, that it’s getting better.
    And so you know, these “baby blues” are totally normal (hormonal), but if it continues to last for more than a couple of weeks, let Dr. S know 🙂

  2. kristi Says:

    Oh, I remember those days SO WELL. I sobbed (repeatedly) to lose the family I lost. I did that 3 times over. The betrayal I felt I’d done to Gracie was so awful; she WASN’T well-adjusted or loving the baby… it took months and billions of tears (man, it seems like yesterday)…

  3. kristi Says:

    And I love that love capsized your heart. I know THAT feeling well too!! 🙂

  4. Katie Montgomery Says:

    I love this post! I just had my second son the end of March, and I sooo identify with all these feelings. I had the same obsession, of what would I do, I would picture myself grabbing the baby, going to my older sons room moving his dresser in front of the door, and then forgetting the dog, and having to move it all back 🙂 Soo funny to hear someone else with these thoughts, thankfully they have subsided.

    • mamarose Says:

      Thanks for your comment! It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in all my worries – but really, maybe we should just think of it as being extremely prepared for anything. 🙂

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