FAIL

January 22, 2010

…Again.

I didn’t get cast at all in “Sweet Charity.”  Callbacks were last night, in the middle of a storm with 60 mph winds here in Phoenix – and I really should have stayed home.

Right away I felt, just…wrong.  Out of place, like I didn’t belong.  Like I was trying to be someone I’m not – which I realize is the very definition of acting, but in this instance it was just an ooky-feeling, not an acty-feeling.  On top of it, my outfit was all wrong, my shoes were all wrong, but I didn’t have time to eke out something better at home because of the feverish little girl clinging to me on my couch  – I really should have just stayed clung.

But anyway, I didn’t stay home.  I gusted into the audition room, sat down and was handed some scenes to read – but they were Charity scenes.  Huh?  Charity?  In the email when Director J encouraged me to try out even though I’m pregnant, he said, quite clearly, “Well, obviously you couldn’t be Charity.”  Obviously!  So why am I reading for Charity and not the secondary characters?  The only conclusion I could come up with was that Director J didn’t have any intention of casting me, but was just being nice in asking me to come to callbacks.  I tried to digest that while I studied Charity’s lines.  I hadn’t prepared for Charity at all.  Finally, Director J started selecting people to read lines, and when he called my name, I got to read about half a page, while the other Charity contenders read whole scenes.  Then I just sat there for a long time while all the other girls read for Charity and for the secondary characters, Nickie and Helene, which I had prepared for.

After a while, we took a break and I just kept thinking, what am I doing here?  My mind was completely muddled, and little baby boy kept poking my tummy.  What are you trying to tell me, little one?  You don’t want to be in a show?  Then we reassembled, and Director J called six of us up to let us know that we were all still in the running…for Nickie and Helene.  Huh??  I asked Director J if he realized that I hadn’t read at all for Nickie or Helene.  “You haven’t?  Well, I know what you can do,” he said.  Then he handed me a Nickie/Helene scene to read.

My brain was mush.  Any confidence I had or preparation I’d done was out the window.  And all the poking!  Finally, I got to read for Nickie, and I blew it.  It just wasn’t good.  I slumped back to my seat.

On top of everything, Director J was cutting people as we went.  Meaning, he would call people up to him, and whisper to them that they’re wonderful, and then they’d slink out of the room.  Some of them were offered roles as ensemble, and some of them were offered other things that they declined, and some of them were just politely cut.  But still – it was a quiet room.  We could hear what was going on.  Usually directors just hold auditions, let everyone leave, and then call later, privately, with the results.  I know different directors do things differently, but let me just say that personally, I am not a fan of Director J’s new method.  Not.  A.  Fan.

Anyway, the remaining group got smaller and smaller, and then Director J called three girls up to his table.  He talked to them for a moment, then announced that he’d just cast Charity, Nickie and Helene.  And that’s fine, they’ll all be great.  Then, he announced that there were three spots left in the ensemble, and that his top three choices for those roles were Girl 1, Girl 2, and Girl 3.  If any of those girls happened to turn down the roles, he added, then his next choices were Girl 4, me, and Girl 6.  In other words, I was his second-to-last choice.  In other words, I’m not cast.

That sucked.

I know, I know – actors face lots of rejection and I’ve just got to get used to it.  But it still feels shitty.  I’ve only been to five auditions, but now my rejections outnumber my successes.  And my fragile ego teeters on the edge  (remember, I’m still the girl that was too afraid to audition for anything for about 15 years).

The fact that this marks the end of my showbiz run before a long break for Mommyhood feels massively crappy.  Massively.  Crappy.

And so with that, my friends, I’m going to take the rest of the weekend off from the ol’ blogola to wallow in self-pity.

I’ll be over it on Monday.

Maybe.

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8 Responses to “FAIL”

  1. Leslie Says:

    CURSES Director J! Curses!

  2. Millie Says:

    Hey, Mama, you were brave to go in the first place. I am proud of you.

  3. Kara Says:

    To me it sounds like you were the the 8th best person at the entire audition which I think sounds pretty great. Still sucks though, I remember the feeling which is probably why I haven’t auditioned for anything since age 18!

    • mamarose Says:

      Well, maybe around the 20th best – some people turned roles down before it got down to me. But I guess that’s still not so bad…

  4. Courtney Says:

    I’m so sorry about the callbacks and I know easier said than done but try not to let it get to you too much. I remember you in Gypsy and can honestly say that I have never been blown away by a theater performance like I was by you back then and you where what 15-16?! Sure, maybe I don’t get to the theater all that much and DC is no NY but I’d like to think we’re not all hacks out here! You are so talented and even though you had an off day that happened to be during a call back (while you were pregnant!!) that talent is still there how ever many years later and it will still be there after your mommy hiatus #2. For now, maybe focus on your writing talent which while may not be as fun for you is immensely entertaining for the rest of us!

    • mamarose Says:

      Thank you so much, Courtney. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment, it made me feel so much better. It’s so wonderful to hear from you – and I’m still trying to remember my username and password for my google mail (whoops). I’d love to hear how mommyhood is going for you!

      • Courtney Says:

        I speak only the truth. You are and always will be one impressive and talented chick!! Shoot me an email (cesheeh@gmail.com) and I’ll resend what I sent to your gmail account but the gist of it was – love your blog!/your little one is adorable!/will you be my mommy mentor?


  5. […] So I got a message from Tempe Little Theatre yesterday, asking if I would like to join the cast of Sweet Charity, like NOW.  Apparently three girls have had to drop out due to medical reasons and so […]


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