Lost Loves Week: Water-Packed

May 21, 2009

Of all the break-ups of my life (and there have been many), there’s only one I truly regret.  One breakup I tried mightily to stave off, stalling for time, hoping that somehow, someway, I could figure out just how Mike made that absolutely perfect tuna sandwich.

Oh, the relationship was kaput.  Mike was quite a bit older than me, a little lost in life, a server at Houston’s like me.  Nice guy, always wanting to cook for me – but when we watched the Oscars and he scoffed loudly when Johnny Depp mentioned the “art of acting,” wellll, we clearly didn’t see eye-to-eye.

But oh! That sandwich.  The most perfect tuna sandwich I’ve ever tasted in my life.  When I realized that I wouldn’t be able to fake it much longer, I requested the sandwich as often as possible.  He served it with tortilla chips and Diet Coke – to this day one of the best meals of my life.

Perhaps realizing the tuna’s hold on me, Mike was very secretive about the recipe.  I got to him to confess that he used chopped green olives, and I could see that Swiss cheese was key, but beyond that I was clueless, and my waning ability to be in the same room with him for very long meant that I didn’t accomplish any quality spying.

Finally I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore, and Mike and I had a terribly awkward mid-shift break-up at the restaurant.  A week later he gave me a Pete Yorn cd, telling me to listen to it, “and maybe you’ll learn something.”  I learned that Herbie and I love listening to it on lazy Sunday mornings while we drink coffee and Bailey’s on the couch.

I also learned that, though I’ve tried again and again, I cannot recreate Mike’s perfect tuna sandwich.  Mike’s tuna is lost to me forever, and no matter how many different brands of olives I chop, I can never quite capture that perfect, unknowable tuna essence.

I’ve even thought of looking up Mike on Facebook and sending him a message, something like: “Hi!! How are you!! Oh my gosh, it’s been so long – your children are sooooo adorable!  Wow, we had some fun times, didn’t we?  Remember that tuna sandwich you used to make and how I was totally obsessed with it?  Like in a crazy Ali Larter way?  Ha ha, ha ha haha – TELL ME WHAT’S IN THE TUNA.  TELL ME NOW.  I still have your beloved copy of “Aliens” and I will SHIT ON IT if you do not tell me.  I will SHIT ON SIGOURNEY WEAVER’S FACE.  You don’t want that to happen. Take care!”

Good tuna.

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10 Responses to “Lost Loves Week: Water-Packed”

  1. Wordslinger for Hire Says:

    Tuna recipes for you… in hopes that one works (I am making it my mission for a while to help you find at least something close)

    http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Darras-Famous-Tuna-Waldorf-Salad-Sandwich-Filling/MoreRecipesLikeThis.aspx

  2. kristi Says:

    Please do contact him, say that very thing and report back here. Please. I need something to look forward to.

  3. Beth H. Says:

    ooh swiss cheese! now i’m totally craving this perfect tuna with green olives & swiss cheese – it sounds so good! i can taste it in my head. or my mind’s mouth. or something.

  4. from the wings Says:

    Awesome. There are some voids that I just cannot fill. I’m ok with that.

  5. pam b Says:

    please do contact him on facebook .. with that exact message. that way i can fully pee my pants laughing. oh.my.god. that is hilarious

  6. from the wings Says:

    Oh I get it. The tuna is packed in water!

    • mamarose Says:

      I would send him that message on Facebook, just to amuse you people, if he didn’t happen to have the most generic name on Earth.

  7. Wordslinger for Hire Says:

    Yeah… took me a while to figure that one out too.

    I kept thinking, “Now that wasn’t sad at all.”

  8. Katy Says:

    Yeahhh, I just immortalized that on my favorite quotes on Facebook. 😉

  9. Leslie Says:

    I am going to use that as a threat for all things in life, regardless of the person and whether or not they have an affinity for Aliens.

    “you cut me off b****, I am going to SHIT on Segourney Weaver’s Face”

    “William, get off the couch or – I am going to SHIT on Segourney Weaver’s face!”


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