Steve Martin Likes Socks

I was watching “Shopgirl” last night while Herbie was passed out on the couch, and it made me recall my most awesome celebrity encounter, with Steve Martin.

I was working at Banana Republic in New York circa 1995, and had already amassed a string of celebrity sightings – Kathleen Turner, Nathan Lane, Katarina Witt, and Christina Ricci can all be counted as Banana fans.  But it was a busy Saturday afternoon as I was working the cash register when Steve Martin walked in the store and headed straight for me.

“Socks?” he asked.

I hesitated, wondering for a moment if he meant Where are the socks? or Do you carry socks? or Do you like my socks?, and then I pointed toward the display of argyle and stripes.  I didn’t even have a chance to poke anyone and whisper, “ohmygodit’sstevemartin!” before he popped back up in front of me.

“I’ll take these,” he said, pushing a pair of socks in my direction.

“Certainly,” I answered, choosing to remain professional instead of shouting, “GENIUS! GENIUS!”

I rang up the socks and was reaching for a bag when he stopped me.

“Could you gift wrap those?”

“Certainly!” 

“In separate boxes, please,” he added.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” I said.

Well, at least I thought of something different than “certainly.”  I mean, this was STEVE MARTIN.  Mr. Funny Man.  Wild and Crazy Guy.  It’s a single pair of socks, and he wants each sock wrapped in a different box?  Of course he’s joking.

He stared at me, stone-faced.  At that point in his career, it seemed impossible that Steve Martin could even make such a serious face.

“HAHAhahaha ha? ohhhhh of course, sir,” I said, and hastily wrapped each sock in a separate gift box, hands shaking as I tried to tie perfect bows and think of the perfect witty thing to say.

But I didn’t think of anything, and surrendered the gift-wrapped socks.

“Thanks,” he said over his shoulder, and dashed out the door.

13 years later, I’m sitting in our living room watching the scene in Shopgirl in which Steve Martin purchases a pair of gloves from Claire Danes.  She’s feeling very self-conscious, awkwardly completing the purchase under his watchful gaze, and for one perfect moment, I thought maybe, just maybe, Steve Martin’s character was about to ask Claire Danes to wrap each glove separately.  Perhaps Steve Martin has always remembered that strange Banana Republic shopgirl who cackled at him when he wanted his socks in two gift boxes.  Perhaps Steve Martin and I are actually CONNECTED through the cosmic inspiration of a magical pair of Banana Republic socks.

But Steve Martin didn’t ask Claire Danes to put the gloves in two separate boxes.  He took them in one box, and later had sex with her and bought her an Armani dress.

Steve Martin never bought me an Armani dress.  Or had sex with me, just to be clear.

So what did I learn?  Well, clearly Steve Martin is not as smart as he thinks he is, because that would have been a really funny moment in the movie.  Also, I really hope I own an Armani dress someday.